Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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