I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today