woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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