This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
