dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
