He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
