if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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