there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
