tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time