Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
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Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.