just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you didnt know i had herpes?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
