He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
