Midget sex pt 2 tonight
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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