I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
