woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.