i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual