Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.