But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident