tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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