Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
