I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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