1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
