I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
