and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
this hospital has no fireball
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
