awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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