rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
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Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
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Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
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