I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall