Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere