Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
