it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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