I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just want to make out with him forever
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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