I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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