How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
