I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
