i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
