If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
R you on birth control?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell