I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap