I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!