i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.