Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
