this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
