good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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