We're facebook friends in real life
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
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His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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