did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
