I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
