you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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