Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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