Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
