Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
