is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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