I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
