My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize