I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
