someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
