I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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