he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
