The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
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But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
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The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.