if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
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im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
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Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.