I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
