Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
