Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
