He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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