I just threw up on my dentist
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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