Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
